I have a compulsive need to always be right. It’s almost a crippling illness.
Case in point.
About a year ago, a friend – whose name shall not be disclosed – told me over lunch that feta and goat cheese are the same thing. This statement was made after I asked a waiter if I could substitute feta for goat cheese on my salad.
That somebody was wrong, and I knew it. How? Because I love feta. I hate goat cheese. Therefore they are not the same. But at that moment, I had no answer as to why feta and goat cheese are different except that feta is awesome salty deliciousness and goat cheese tastes like it comes from a goat’s … well … you know.
So I let it go, because in my world an argument is much stronger when you have a Google search on your side. And also because other people have made the same feta-is-the-same-as-goat-cheese comment to me in the past, so maybe, just maybe, I was the one who was wrong. I only entertained that thought for 4.7 seconds.
The next time I was set to have lunch with my goat-cheese loving friend, I did something that probably seems a little insane to normal people who don’t suffer from know-it-all-itis: I Googled the differences between feta and goat cheese. So that if the topic did come up again (because don’t YOU spend meals debating the differences between similar cheeses?) I would be able to say the following: “Well ACTUALLY feta and goat cheese are not the same. Feta is derived primarily of cow or sheep’s milk. The ratio of goat’s milk to sheep or cow’s milk cannot exceed 30% for the cheese to still be considered feta.” Keep in mind, this was about six months after the initial feta/goat cheese comment was made. I held onto this snippet of conversation for Six. Whole. Months. Of course, the topic never actually came up again, but if it did I was ready.
This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to talk to most people. And also why I’m sometimes surprised I still have friends.
Example 2: Remember back when Glamour Magazine sort of (not really) saved my life? Well, leading up to my trip to that fateful dermatology appointment, my husband, knowing that I had become a Google-skin-cancer-research whirling dervish of insanity, tried to calm me by using what I and most other know-it-all-type-As consider the Worst Phrase Ever:
“It’s probably nothing.”
Which is when I would pull up articles from the Mayo Clinic, images from the Skin Cancer Foundation, and WebMD (which, let’s face it, will diagnose you with cancer if you have a splinter in your thumb), and show him all the evidence I had gathered. I did not go so far as to develop a Power Point Presentation, but I had enough research that I could have. I have a Doctorate in Google and I’m not afraid to use it.
So when I got the fateful call that the Scary Pink Blemish was in fact skin cancer — though very mild and virtually innocuous, and only required removal and a few follow-up visits to ensure everything is A-OK — my first reaction was to remind myself to breathe, to not panic, and to not have an emotional breakdown in my cubicle because everything was fine and treatable and it was not the end of the world.
And then immediately, I called my husband to utter the following, and ultimately satisfying, phrase:
“I told you so!”
That’s the beauty of the iPhone: Instant Google.
Being a know-it-all is nothing to be proud of. They should have a 12 step program for the “I Told You So” set. It is the fast track to dumpsville.
I don’t disagree!
Me too!
Is the I told you so! moment really worth it all in the end?
Nice post!
My wife is obsessed with telling me she’s right. So I started to blog about her brilliance.
Came to your post via Freshly Pressed.
Ryan
My immediate reaction to your comment:
1) Your wife sounds awesome
2) Freshly Pressed — Seriously!!! (immediately clicks to confirm)
My wife thinks she’s awesome too. I suppose she’s right — but don’t tell her unless you want to hear her say “I told you so!”
Oh, I like this! Now I will have to suggest to my husband that he start a blog about my brilliance.
If he does this, you’ll have to write him a thank you card. It’s tougher than it sounds. : )
Goat cheese IS disgusting.
From my perspective, we live in a game show society.. we get that way from an education system that trains children by rewarding them to be the first to call out the right answer. And then we spend the rest of our lives trying to cope with the insecurity of not having someone to reward us all the time. And excellent story about this is JD Salinger’s “Franny and Zooey”.
Have a nice day.
Craig
I would say this was a great blog…but…I am sure you will say “I know.”
Wait…stop…you don’t have to google search your blog to prove to me it’s great… 
http://www.runtobefit.wordpress.com
You’re terribly amusing and I’m glad I know you outside of this realm :0)
Dr. S. Google – It works for you !
I like you too, K!
Awww…being right. What a feeling.
It would appear that you should have ordered salad with feta instead of goat cheese again in order to prompt your newly backed-up point of view…er…facts.
I actually did consider it!
I am the same way. – Spikol
I can relate!
Believe me, it runs in the family! I watch “Jeopardy” every night, shouting out the right question before the contestants can ring in. Unfortunately, there are vast fields of knowledge and categories that I have absolutely no expertise in, e.g., opera, quantum physics, etc. I actually tried out a couple of times in L.A.–what a humbling experience!
I love those rare occasions when I know the answer and none of the contestants do
Haha this made me laugh. Totally agree with the whole goats cheese and feta cheese tasting completely different!
Can I just say that this blog literally made me LOL at work? The whole proving oneself right about feta vs goat cheese 6 months later– I would totally do that. Good to know there is someone else out there just as crazy as me.
Except I love feta cheese AND goat cheese.
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
Thanks! These comments are comforting — I’m not alone!
another word for “besserwisser”! (thats a word we use in sweden when someone knows everything always)
I am exactly the same. I have a thrst for knowledge which is pretty pointless and i always always wikipedia it! And even shove it in other peoples faces on my iphone to prove i am correct!
I would totally do the same thing. Cheeses are NOT the same… Google works magic
But he was right…it really wasn’t anything to get all worried about. (And, if it had been, what could you have done about it that you weren’t already doing?)
Crystal
http://www.crystalspins.com
Hahaha, I love being right too. In fact, I’m currently looking at a sticker on my office phone that says “I LOVE BEING RIGHT.” Probably not the best reminder as I’m on the phone with clients… and the client is always supposed to be right!
The other day, this guy I’m dating tried to tell me that women vote less than men, and didn’t I find that sad. I knew, for a fact, that women do not vote less than men, they vote more, since the 80s at least. So I Googled it on my phone, mid-date, to prove my rightness. Frankly, I’m surprised I got a second date. When I know I’m right – I’m right. Just believe me. Don’t argue. For God’s sake, don’t make me Google it to prove it to you. Just trust that I only make statements when I know I’m right, I don’t bother when I’m unsure.
http://simplysolo.wordpress.com
I like to pretend my husband likes that I’m so thoroughly right all the time and that it doesn’t annoy him at all.
There is something inherently rewarding in rubbing your superior knowledge in someone else’s face. It just feels right.
Congrats on Pressed. And that Doctorate in Google. Impressive.
Chase McFadden
http://SomeSpeciesEatTheirYoung.com
it sure does….feel right that is
You and I must be long lost siblings. I hate to admit I’m wrong and won’t until you have notarized statements from three authorities on the subject. And now that I have a smart phone and can google on the run, I am truly dangerous.
Thank you for this. VERY funny and VERY familiar.
Feta has nothing to do with goat cheese and your answer should be “Feta is delicious”. As for your glamour post, well I have a blemish in my eye, it hurts a little, so you are my saving post. I should have checked it but I’m the kind of girls who although I need to know what it is, I pretend to say it’s nothing because I’m afraid it might be something. Wish me luck.
Thank you for reading
The scariest part is making the appointment — after it’s over you’ll probably wonder why you waited so long. Good luck!
You are SO right, I haven’t made the appointment yet. Even the thought freaks me out.
great post. boo goat cheese. yay feta!
congrats on the fresh press!
I suffer from the same irrational delusion. Good book to read is “The Know-it-All” by A.J. Jacobs. Dude read through the entire Encylopedia Britannica over the course of a year. Made him obnoxious and socially awkward.
We must all join forces.
What a scary group we would make — scary, but well informed!
HA HA! Great post. Funny…except for the skin cancer part.
There’s this great saying that human beings would rather be right than be happy. And I know that is RIGHT!
that was my sisters status update on her facebook yesterday
thank you for explaining the difference between feta and goat cheese. goat cheese is yucky!
love,
a fellow know-it-all.
So glad to know I am not alone in the world. Great post!
Ah yes, to be married to a know-it-all…
Glad to see that other people are discovering what I already know about your writing!
Ohh I thought I’m the only one obsessed with Google. And about not letting go I’m carrying around burdens from way back and hoping I’ll meet the person some day and finish the debate we had started and I had cut short at the time.
If I’ve learned anything today it’s that we are not alone!
I love your post!
Google, iPhone and Wikipedia are my best friends! (how sad)
My wife and daughter say that my big head is just full of useless knowledge!
Robert
Wikipedia is like a knowledge drug. Where else can you learn about so much so quickly?
My “Know-it-all-itis Moments” is when friends send out those cautionary tale e-mails, warnings, or just sob stories and I go to Snoops.com and debunk them as made-up/false. I know this has to drive them nuts when I do a reply-all back to everyone that is just stuff of urban ledgend…but, I do it anyway!
Told ya’ so!
oops! it’s SNOPES.com (not snOOps.com) – my mistake.
That is EXACTLY what I would have done. Kudos to you on responding appropriately AND on being Freshly Pressed!!
Yup! When my husband and I disagree about something, he’s always ready – not matter where we are – to grab his phone and google it to show me I’m wrong…. but I’m actually right!!!!
We have issue whit the way he cut onion, I actually wrote a post about it (if you wanna laugh http://wp.me/pXsUB-kP) and he tried to google that as well!
How did we know-it-alls prove our superior knowledge in the past without constant access to Google via our smart phones? I’m not sure, but I do know that most of my disagreements with my husband are put to rest with a quick internet search on my Blackberry. It’s a pastime of ours, really. He must enjoy being proved wrong.
Congrats on the witty, entertaining post and Freshly Pressed!
What a great post. You had me laughing out loud in the middle of Starbucks.
I also love your 30 before 30 idea.
Thank you! I hope you didn’t spill a pumpkin spice latte on your computer
Hilarious post! I have made use of my iPhone Google many a time during dinner conversations with hubby or friends. Really- they should just never question us.
congrats on Freshly Pressed!
I know someone who also is a know-it-all. But unlike you, he just rattles off every thing he knows from memory or from what he heard or seen. Most of the time he’s wrong. But he insists anyway.
Know-it-alls are annoying, but then you get used to them.
Congratulations on being featured on Freshly Pressed!
I think it’s ok to be a fount of knowledge and to share what we think is, in our perception, true, correct, or right. However, right-itous can make others think we are difficult and arrogant. If being right creates cracks in an otherwise healthy relationship, it might help to put a filter on our mouths sometimes. Not everyone wants to be enlightened.
Congrats on th efreshly pressed! (I knew you’d make it. Really)
Sarah
moonmooring.wordpress.com
I have a similar problem. Yes, I Google my information to make sure it is correct. I ALWAYS check Snopes and let the sender know that, in fact, you CANNOT open your car door with your cell phone. And I walk around like that little kid from Jerry MacGuire, constantly starting sentences with, “Did you know…?”
But my variation on the theme is this: if someone asks a question, and I know the answer, even if the question was not addressed to me, I MUST share the answer with the asker!
I once worked in a cubicle maze where I was in an empty row that backed up on a full row of workers from another department. I was known as “The Smart Wall” by the poor woman whose desk was just the other side of my cubicle wall, because I would answer all kinds of questions through the wall without being asked.
One day, she and another coworker were looking at a vegetarian recipe that called for TVP. They started asking what it was, and I called out, “Texturized vegetable protein.” But it was too loud on their side of the wall, and they couldn’t hear me. They mused out loud for several minutes, puzzled by this acronym, and I repeated myself over and over, a little louder each time. Finally, I could stand it no more, and I walked down my aisle and up theirs, practically shouting, “It’s texturized vegetable protein!” and half-scaring the poor women! That’s when I realized I might have “know-it-all-itis.” *smile*
LMAO!! Thanks for the laugh. I enjoyed every word, because I too am a self proclaim “Know-it-all”. My friends call me the “Google Master”. No joking, I have friends who can’t conduct a Google search and we’re in our mid-20s.
Quote of the day; “I have a Doctorate in Google and I’m not afraid to use it.” Hilarious!
But seriously, I totally relate to you. I especially have a case of know-it-all-itis when it comes to definitions of words or grammar. Playing Scrabble can be very frustrating. I once used “rex” as a word (Latin for “king”), which didn’t happen to be in any of the dictionaries we had at hand and the word was subjected to a group vote. I lost. 6/7 people thought it wasn’t a word. But I, having a know-it-all flare up, sent everyone an email after the game giving the dictionary.com link defining “rex” as a legitimate word (and not a proper noun) and also the Wikipedia link. It wasn’t so much that I’m a sore loser; I actually suck at Scrabble and would have lost no matter what.
It’s because I frequently like to be right.
Congrats on Freshly Pressed!
wow, so timely! i was actually working on a post about having an addiction to always being right! but for me in particular it was focused on the workplace. regardless, i feel you – both about being right and about the goat cheese. congrats on being freshly pressed!
http://www.thepeoplestuff.com
“I told you so.” I love hearing those words when I’m saying them, but when I hear it from someone else… well, it’s not exactly the happiest moment of my life. In fact, it probably couldn’t get any worse.
That’s one time you wanted to be wrong, hope all goes well with the treatment. I had some removed from my back, not fun but not that bad.
I wonder what to call the “awkward” itis or the “point out” itis, kind of like Larry David on Curb, that’s what I have sometimes. Also, do you agree that some people are know it alls around certain people and quiet as can be around others.
Absolutely! It’s all about knowing your audience — who will listen and thank you for sharing your insights and knowledge, and who will dump a milkshake on your head and give you a wedgie.
I suffer from this too, I would be amazed that I still have friends if I wasn’t right about 98% of the time.
Doesn’t it feel good to say “Told you so!”
BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH……………..
that blog posts was cool u mind checking out my blog to see if it compares to this blog
Haha, sounds like you and I could be related! I come from a long line of strong minded (read: know-it-all-y) individuals. But you know what – it’s not about just being right and having the last word. It’s because you are, in fact, correct! I don’t fight people if there’s a chance I’m misinformed, but when I am right about something I’m sure to let them know
I too have armed myself with random factoids stemming from previous discussions and don’t believe I’ve gotten to use any of them either 
To me, I enjoy knowing in my head that I’m right and the fool spouting garbage in front of me is wrong… I tend to let that little piece of info resonate inside my private thoughts as if it gives me some sort of power of the situation.
This could be even more sick and twisted than actually enjoying screaming “I told you so!”. lol
I’ve been saying that know-it-alls have been ruining this world since as far back as I can remember. I don’t want to gloat, but it’s sort of hard not to when I am once again totally right in every way imaginable.
Haha, how did you get into my head so perfectly! I too will leave conversations and prepare research for if the topic of conversation ever comes up again – which it never does. And my poor partner hears this little phrase far too often: “When will you learn that I’m ALWAYS right?”
Congrats on getting pressed
.
This was the cutest ever. It think we all have those moments and if we are honest with ourselves knowing everything makes us feel good lol.
Truth is you simply want to arrive at truth in every way possible and that is where this stems from.
Thanks for sharing as it really made me chuckle. :O)
I had a nice little chuckle!!!! thank you
Ahhhh, I’m not the only one! So relieved! Lol. Yes, I have to be right me too!! And the masters in Google, yeaahhhhh.
Oh dear – seems like there are a lot of us out there. My family don’t even bother googling – they just come and ask me – a mine of useless information
You sound like a friendly “know it all” which is OK. What I can’t stand is the compulsive, overbearing, in your face type who have to let you know that they know more than you repeatedly during a conversation. They are the worst ones. Anyone in this category should be forced to wear a red flashing warning beacon on their head so that others can avoid them. People like this drives me nuts. Is this a normal reaction? Perhaps I need to learn to be more tollerent.
[...] I have a compulsive need to always be right. It's almost a crippling illness. Case in point. About a year ago, a friend – whose name shall not be disclosed – told me over lunch that feta and goat cheese are the same thing. This statement was made after I asked a waiter if I could substitute feta for goat cheese on my salad. That somebody was wrong, and I knew it. How? Because I love feta. I hate goat cheese. Therefore they are not the same. But a … Read More [...]
Absolutely hilarious! I like both feta and goats cheese so would never have been any the wiser. I’ve learnt from your post
thank god for freshly pressed, I will be back reading again! x
I have a great tenancy to be a know it all, but I think my fiancée suffers from it greatly!
I am a self confessed Wikipedia-aholic and I so whole heartedly agree with the entire feta vs goat cheese thing! Cheeses should not be confused!
I also have a cheese addiction
Nice blog and I hope you tick more things off your list.
I think leaving your own country is essential for your writing, growth and understanding that there is another world outside of america! I’d start saving right now and get to Europe – even if you do one of those hideous 20 countries in 20 days tours at least you can see the wonderful diversity of languages, foods, architecture and see what you’ve been missing. even the language barriers,getting lost, buying the wrong thing,etc are all part of the experience of LIVING and when you return home you’ll be so much wiser! I am so grateful I live in the Uk where I can get to lots of different countries relatively easily (and when I’m working hard – fairly cheaply)
Go for it and I look forward to adventurous posts!
K
My blog (thehairyhoudini)
Thanks for the insight! My husband and I have, in the past, been fortunate enough to have done some extensive traveling (him worldwide, me primarily Europe owing to my mother from the UK). We’re planning a trip to Belgium/Holland/Germany next fall, and Vietnam/Cambodia in two years (time and finances allowing, of course). This list was limited to what could be done in one year within our financial and time capabilities!
P.S. I’m enjoying your blog.
Can relate to it, I once said the walking encyclopedia. Maybe we just love to learn, and to know it all.
I’m so much like this too!!
I swear by an instant search and seeing somebody smirk with things they’re wrong about drives me up the wall!!
know-it-all-itis is not such a bad thing really, we learn so much in the process!!
Great post!
“because in my world an argument is much stronger when you have a Google search on your side” >> oh, i just feel the same way too
What I find funniest about this whole thing is that I remember having lunch with you and talking about the whole feta/goat cheese controversy… Sometimes I think you might need to learn to let things go – you know for your health and sanity
Although know-it-all’s are one of my biggest peeves, I’m glad that you can poke fun at yourself, which makes it less peevish. Plus, you actually ensure that you’re right with Google. I’ve run into my fair share of know-it-all’s who think they’re unconditionally right – even when they’re dead wrong. Ugh.
[...] whole post is funny and extraordinarily honest and you can read it here, Know-it-all-itis. And while you’re there, notice her list of 30 things to do before she turns 30 that runs [...]
Are you a Leo? Seriously, I call myself the Google queen, it is my desire to be right all of the time so I have to make sure I’m up on my random research. My favorite category on Jeopardy is ‘Hodgepodge’, because I know a little bit of everything enough to be an expert in my head…
And cheese? I don’t ever remember having goat cheese and that says a lot, because I am a cheese-a-holic.
[...] I had just been pondering the difference between goat and feta cheese, so this was timely: [...]
Yeah, I always have my Blackberry ready to Wikipedia anything.
Sometimes people are dumb about disagreements, and you just have to prove them wrong on the spot.
I am glad I came across your post through fresh post. It is sometimes more about intuition than knowing the actual facts..so I am actually satisfied knowing that I am right on the basis of my intuition..and thats all the proof I need (for myself of course, my hubby and the rest of the world demands more concrete evidences :’( )
But..of course for the sake of so many people around me I have learnt to keep my mouth shut and not bother saying anything unless I am asked!!
sigh..
I really like this post, it’s to the point and witty. The line
“This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to talk to most people. And also why I’m sometimes surprised I still have friends.”
really resonates with me because I feel like that about myself ha. I’m not a “told you so” kind of person myself, but because there’s other qualities I have that I reckon make me socially inept. Anyway, I hope my blog posts eventually make someone laugh like yours did me.
Long “live” Google.
Oh Shoestrings and Daydreams, I so get it! I would have done the exact same thing and I, also, just love Google to prove my point.
I visited the Natural History Museum in London on the 28th October and noticed they had recorded Captain Cook arriving at Botany Bay in Australia in 1750 when, in fact, as an Australian, I knew it to be 1770. When I pointed this out to my 27year old daughter, she said quite sarcastically, “Oh Mum, I would hardly think the London Natural History Museum would get it wrong!” So, of course I googled it and yes, Captain Cook did arrive at Botany Bay on the 29th April, 1770. Not only did I confirm the year, but now I had an exact date. The incorrect recording and my daughter’s sarcasm prompted me to email the Museum and lo and behold, yesterday I received a reply from the Museum thanking me for pointing out the mistake and stating they were aware of it and were waiting for enough funds to rectify the problem.
I’m thinking of framing the email!!